Off Topic...

Just recently, I've signed up for a subscription to Netflix and I found a movie called "Bully." Not really knowing how much it would affect me, I watched it without apprehension. "You never know what a person is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes." This can never be a truer quote and it was stated in the movie. "Bully," is an awesome depiction of what happens to kids in school. They get picked on for being different...being "picked on" these days is an understatement. Kids mentally abuse other kids. They physically abuse other kids. It's absolutely horrifying to me that some of the kids portrayed in the movie committed suicide. Imagine what that kid was going through. It had to have been awful and so terrible that they could no longer take it. An 11-year-old shot himself. A 13-year-old hanged himself in his closet...his parents found him and his brother saw him, too. I just can't wrap my head around why there hasn't been anything done about this on a larger scale or why there wasn't anything done to prevent those kids from killing themselves? It doesn't make sense. Through the whole movie I was enraged...I wanted to come through the TV and smack some sense into one of the schools' principles. A boy's parents came to this principle to talk about how he was being physically and verbally assaulted on a daily basis. All the principle could do was say, "I can't promise it won't stop...." then proceeded to show them her pictures of her new grandbaby. Idiot. She seemed so fake and plastic. People don't listen to kids! This other boy was made to shake his bully's hand to make peace. Well, he didn't want to and got blamed for being just like the bully...REALLY?! The boy said, "I'm not like him because I'm not hurting him by not shaking his hand." The principle said, "Well, I think you can be friends." The boy said, "We were until he started bullying me." The principle had NOTHING to say. The same mom I mentioned earlier made a pretty good statement to the principle about being worried for her child's safety on the bus. The principle said, "I've ridden bus 54 and those kids are perfect angels...." or something of that nature. She OBVIOUSLY hadn't seen the movie yet. Perfect angels my ass... death threats? Strangling another child? Stabbing another child with pencil? Those kids sound like angels to me. The mom then said, "Why doesn't the bus driver do anything except drive? When I rode the bus, if we were to get out of hand, the bus driver would pull over until it stopped!" AMEN! When I was a kid and rode the bus, my bus drivers put the fear of God in me. At one point the bus got so rowdy, our punishment was silence for two weeks! WE COULDN'T EVEN TALK ON THE BUS! Where are those bus drivers now? 

Schools and hospitals alike are all about tip-toeing around, keeping quiet, hush-hush, sweeping things under the rug. Today there are too many lawsuits and it's come down to hospitals and schools at times, not being able to take control over certain matters. Hospitals are now customer service oriented. It's called Hospital not Hilton....anyway, that's a new blog post... 

Maybe I'm so enraged and appalled by the reactions of the schools is because it hits home for me. I can relate as I was bullied in middle school from 6th-8th grade and let me say, IT SUCKED! You don't have to be physically assaulted to be bullied and all that "sticks and stones" is bullshit....It's the mental abuse. In adult world you can get arrested and put in jail for some of the stuff that kids do to one another. But back to my story, I was shy and didn't stand out much. I kept to myself and had a few friends but then I started getting picked on. In a quick summary, I was humiliated and embarrassed by a boy. I was made fun of by boys and girls, talked about, backstabbed by "friends," pushed around, got picked last for P.E. games, called names, cruel jokes were played on me, sat alone at lunch, dreaded going to school, came home and cried many many times and thought about suicide many times. No one came to my rescue. No one helped me pick up my books when they fell out of my hands. I felt I had no one. The teachers didn't stop it when I told them. One of the teachers made fun of me and yelled at me for getting answers wrong, calling me a fool in front of everyone. The kids just looked and stared at me. The friends I did have didn't even stick up for me. My grades showed the affects. The only thing that happened was  in 8th grade my mom came to the school...but that made things worse for me, the jokes kept coming and coming. In the midst of the bullying, I think 7th grade, I was really wore down by everything. I came home and just wanted to be alone. I went up to my room, turned on some music so no one could hear me cry, laid my head on my desk and just cried and cried. I remember going to my window and looking out and thinking for the first time as a child at 13, how great it would be if I wasn't here. If I didn't have to endure this anymore...How happy those kids would be if I were to die. Those kids kept me from believing in myself. Those bullies kept me from having high self-esteem. They made me afraid, afraid to go to school, afraid to participate in sports. They made me be afraid to be me. And people say, "You should stand up for yourself." Well, it's hard to stand up for yourself when your"self" is too weak to stand. Then you become numb....you just sit there and take it, hoping that high school will be better. 

Even though those kids pushed me until I had no hope for my own life, somewhere deep inside I knew I was worth more than what those bullies defined me as. I made it through middle school and my family moved to another state. High school was better for me...better, but the damage had been done. Forever, will I have those memories of middle school. They have shaped me into who I am today, for the good and bad. I still have self-esteem problems and have suffered from anxiety and depression. I'm slow to trust anyone and I'm not a second chance giver. I'm learning as an adult to stick up for myself because at this point in my life, I have accomplished many things on my own that have given me confidence. I know that I don't have to put up with negativity from others. I can chose who I want in my life. Speaking up for myself when I sense someone is being a bully to me is a constant struggle and a learning process. One thing I have learned is how to treat people...and I know that my kids won't be bullies.