It’s not just what you did that day, it’s what you’ve done for 29 years. You’ve taught me that my opinion never mattered to you and you’ve always downplayed my emotions when you were mad at me. You think I haven’t listened to you. You think there is something wrong with ME. But what you fail to see is that I have tried and I’m normal.
I’ve tried to have a relationship with you since I was born and you whooped me with a belt and made me pee on myself when I wouldn’t stop crying as a baby. I have tried since I was in elementary school and you whooped me for not getting my multiplication tables correct. I’ve tried since middle school when I was in 7th grade and you told me the only way I could get a CD was if I got rid of my acne. I have tried to accept you for who you are but you will never accept me for who I am. I've tried for you, but always neglecting my needs in the process. I’ve continued to try and trust that you can give me what I need out of a dad, but through the last 29 years you’ve continuously let me down. You’ve hurt me so bad but then act like it never happened. You’ve tried to buy my love with clothes and tell me to say how great of a dad you are.
I always thought that once I was old enough you would understand me. You would accept me for the individual I am, for the beautiful daughter I’ve grown into. But you don’t no matter how much you say you do. You can’t accept me. You don’t have it in you. I have no hope in you, even if you were to read this. You can’t see the emotional cycle you’ve put me through in this life. You do no wrong in your eyes.
I don’t trust you. I told you the last time you blew up on me, that you can’t say things you don’t mean. You say hurtful, hurtful, horrible things that I can’t forget. You don’t apologize, instead you offer money. I told you last time you blew up on me that this was my last straw. I warned you. I’ve given you chance after chance after chance. I’m out.
I had no choice but to be around you growing up, but now I have a choice and you don’t like it. You can’t control me in any way, shape or form and you cannot take one OUNCE of credit for me today. You’ve given me one thing. You’ve given me the knowledge to not ever rely on anyone without expecting something in return. You’ve ruined my idea of what it’s like to trust someone when they give out of the goodness of their heart because you never did that. You gave money and expected verbal praise. You had no control over my successes no matter how much you think that where I am today is because of you...that’s just another one of your characteristics of your mental disorder. Another is that you think you’re God’s gift to the world and your children.
The best thing about being me today is that I don’t NEED you or anybody to take care of me. It became the most liberating feeling to only have to rely on me. I feel like a freed slave. A slave that’s free from the shackles of control, judgements, money, conformity and having no voice. I can be me and not give a damn. I can be me and not have to worry if I’m doing what you want me to do or if it looks right in your eyes. I can make my own choices. I can choose who to love and have in my life, as well. What I don’t choose is to continue to have you put me down and think you can hurt me over and over. What I have chosen is the acceptance that you will never change. I have accepted that I will never have the dad that I want or thought I had. I have accepted that you will never apologize for the things you’ve said or acknowledge that you were ever wrong at one point in time. I’ve also accepted the most important thing...I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you won’t hurt me again even if by some chance in heaven you begged and pleaded saying you would never cause me chaos and you loved me for who I am, that you accept me and my life and won’t try to change me. You’re word means as much to me as the next passing stranger.
You’re not the dad I thought I knew. I don’t know you at all. I don’t like the person you are nor how you’ve treated me. You’ve messed me up in so many ways, you couldn’t even begin to make up for the losses you’ve cause me. Today, however, is a new day. It’s a day of revelation and a day of acceptance of the truth of things. It’s a day that I choose me and claim my own happiness. It’s a day of mourning over the loss of what I’ve tried to have for 29 years. It’s a day of sadness but with that sadness is a beam of light. The light being my liberation of no longer letting you hurt me, that it’s not ok anymore and if that means loving you at a distance, then so be it. If it means not having you in my life to reclaim my happiness then that’s ok. I choose to be happy and surround myself with people who love me for me and bring positivity in their relationships with me.
If you read this, you’d say I was insane (as usual). You’d put a guilt trip on me, saying, “how could you not have your dad in your life?” When the question you should be asking is, “why did you let your daughters slip away?” Why would you do that? Why would you let that happen? How can you not accept your wrong and try to be better when I’ve tried so hard for so long to be how you wanted me to be and could never win? I’m done fighting now. I don’t have any left. So the best thing for me to do is learn from your example. People say you can’t pick your family, which is true. But just because they are your family, doesn’t mean you can let them take advantage of you. You don’t have a free pass. Well, you did, but you don’t anymore.
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